A New Day

Sometimes things look better in the morning.  Nothing has resolved, all the problems are still there, but I have something better. 

We had our Dia de Los Reyes celebration, and celebrate we did.  We had pan de jamon, key lime pie, and lots of laughs.  Sofia helped take down the tree, and carefully placed each ornament back in the boxes, and we talked about the story each one holds.  The Kings brought her a tricycle, which she pushes around, climbing into the seat, saying "Peeeeeeese".  We drive around the livingroom, laughing and zooming.   Sofia's baby gets a turn.

Julio and I sat on the couch, watching Sofia play.  She played with her farm, dancing the the tractor's song (don't ask).  She carefully holds her baby, rocking her and kissing her, then placing her in the cradle, covering her up, rocking her, saying "Nigh Night".  

This girl, this family.  

It's better than I could ever have imagined.  Her kisses and smiles, her laughs and giggles, each new word, each new discovery, each moment is perfect.  

We're still moving in with my parents.  Our house is still in danger of foreclosure (keep hoping for that short sale), we are still unemployed.  We're formulating a plan, that I'm hoping with all my might comes to fruition and makes us  better off in the long run.  

No matter what happens, though, as long as we have each other, we'll be okay.  

the hell?

Damn.  The possibilities we thought we had have pretty much closed.  And here I was, thinking 2009 might be kinder to us and something might actually work out.  

I don't know what else to do or how to keep on keeping on.  It all seems so futile.  We're contemplating a move in with my parents.  It does not feel good to be nearly 28 years old and still floundering, still living with the parents, still needing help.  My own two feet haven't been very sturdy to stand on, it seems.  How much longer before they tire of my bullshit?  

I need to remind myself, it has only been a few months.  We have been pretty tight with money since we married five years ago, but we only actually required help one other time.  I haven't failed my life.  I've hit a rough spot that requires the help of those who love me.  

Tomorrow is January sixth, the Parra tradition.  We began it only last year, but I'm looking forward to it.  We make traditional food, take down our tree, give Sofia a small present (this year is a garage sale find from the summer; a tricycle!) from Los Reyes and remind ourselves how blessed we are to have each other.  So, I'm baking and trying to pretend that my life isn't falling apart.  

I've got to ditch the last shreds of my pride that remain with me and move back to the town I grew up in, the place I thought I left forever at 18.  

Wish me luck.

and...one more time

It's a new year and a new chance.  Right?  I get a second chance at this blogging thing?  You know, with actual posting of actual ideas and thoughts and shit?  If I have any of those, that is.

So.  Not much has happened since my last post, and I haven't been able to think beyond tomorrow and how we're going to eat and survive.  I spend each minute trying not to fall apart and wrestling with that knot in my stomach which so far, I haven't untied.  

It might be looser.  I may be closer.

We are losing the house.  We can't find jobs here, we can't make mortgage, and we owe more than the house is currently worth.  We are signing with a realtor and hoping for a short sale which should leave us clean and avoid foreclosure.  And if we have to foreclose, we foreclose.  Being a grown-up sucks donkey balls. (Grown-ups are allowed to use that phrase still, right?  Please tell me grown-ups are still allowed to use that phrase, because if not, I give up right now.  Yes?  Good.  Continue on.)

We're planning on a move.  Two possibilities, one more likely than the other.  It is scary, thinking of starting over again, this time with a child.  I want things to be perfect, right here, right now.  But they aren't.  There are problems beyond just the job thing.  It isn't like a move will leave all the troubles here behind us, but there are advantages to the new location that might help.  

There is the possibility of school.  I'm hoping to go to nursing school sometime in the next two years.  I've been waiting for my vocation since I graduated undergrad, and just haven't felt it.  Nothing seemed right, nothing called to me, so I remained stuck in my mundane, go-nowhere job letting life slip me by.  I think I've finally found it, though.  I've heard the voice telling me that this is my path.  

So.  I guess this post doesn't qualify as thoughts and ideas so much as catch up.  I'll get there, I promise.  Right now, I just need to keep on swimming, keep on swimming.  Even if that swimming doesn't seem like much, it just might take me where I need to go.

Filler

I don't have much to say.  Truly.  Bad news gets boring quickly, and unfortunately, we're very boring over here.

There have been bright spots, when I can ignore the elephant in the room.  Christmas is coming, after all, and a certain tot needs to know the magic of the season.  

So, I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog and my writing ambitions.  They are just on hold until my brain can think something other than "DOOM!"

Thanksgiving

I'm aware that this is a day early, but I'll probably not have time tomorrow, and Thanksgiving is very important.  The holiday and the sentiment.

Though times are tough and I'm in tears more than I laugh right now, I have much to be grateful for.  Especially in times like this, I need to remember and remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to be thankful.

Thanksgiving is knowing that we're not entitled anything.  Nothing is deserved, nothing is earned.  Every single blessing is a blessing to be grateful for.  If this weren't the truth, then people who work themselves to the bone every day wouldn't lose their babies to malaria, wouldn't get HIV, wouldn't have to deal with drought and famine.  If this weren't true, then people full of love and devotion and integrity wouldn't have lost their lives, their loved ones, their everything in a tsunami, a hurricane, an earthquake.  If this weren't true, everyone in the world would have equal opportunity; nobody would be born on third base thinking they've hit a triple (kudos to whoever said that first; I love it), nobody would give their all and end up short.  If this weren't true, disease would only strike those who have only done bad in their life and babies wouldn't die before they are born.

So I am grateful.  Grateful for every day the sun shines, grateful for the warmth inside my house, grateful for every smile that passes my lips.

My blessings are endless, and my cup truly runneth over, even if that is hard to see at times.

My Sofia.  The little miracle that hugs and kisses me everyday.  The blessing that I say 'thank you' to the universe for daily.  

My Julio.  I've known true love, true passion, romance and friendship.  For every day we're together, for our past and our future, I'm grateful.

My Family.  My incredible, unique, wonderful sisters.  We may have argued as children, but they really are the most fun, best support I could ask for.  I'm blessed and grateful.   I was raised by the very best parents.  My extended family of aunts and cousins and grandparents, my family-in-law; all interesting and loving and a blessing.  We are so lucky to have families we love so much that we have to be sad that we don't see them as often as we'd like.  Gratitude.

Those are the obvious, the top three of any list.  Yet there are so many more, endless blessings.

The smell of mint underfoot in a frozen prairie.  The feel of a warm, furry puppy in my lap.  The sun shining on the fresh snow.  The birds at my feeder.  The health of those I love.  The talents I have.

My Friends.  Oh, my friends. Though they be scattered across the world, I am so grateful for the support and the love.  Though some have been lost, none will be forgotten. 

Music.  Laughter.  Love.  Sunshine.  Wind.  Rain.  Snow.  Leaves.  Trees.  Everything.

Happy Thanksgiving.  My heart is full.